Because I have this blog that I try to keep professional-ish, I don't do the stupid things I used to do in this blog, like surveys and song lists and all. but just because i'm older and wiser and a better writer now doesn't mean i cant still do that crap. so here's some classic birdybannon.

i'm listening to dashboard confessionals a mark, a mission etc. and realizing i haven't listened to it since about the time i started dating mark. in 2003.
so here are some select lyrics from it that are ringing clear at the moment...

"My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy."
-hands down

"I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine."
-bend and not break

"And I said "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane,
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side."
-as lovers go

And here's a quiz:

Tell the truth! ***PURE RANDOMNESS*** Created by ehxsnohs and taken 77 times on Bzoink
How old are you?:	28
Name that is on your birth certificate?:	brigid
What does everyone call you?:	brig, b
What is the last thing you bought for yourself?:	a 11 doller hairbrush :/
How many people have you slept with this week?:	1
Target, Wal-Mart or Kmart?:	kmart.
Ever had plastic surgery?:	nope
Do you want kids?:	yup
Do you want to get married?:	yes
Four words to explain why you last threw up?:	have highly sensitive stomach
When did your last relationship end?:	ha. hahahahaha. even when i ended it, i didnt end it.
Gotten So Drunk you Couldnt Remember WTF you Did?:	not as of late
Been Called a Bitch?:	sure
How many piercings do you have?:	just ears
Gotten a tattoo?:	not yet
Have you ever smoked? If so what?:	yes. a couple things.
What is the single largest item in your house?:	piano
Have you ever been under anesthesia?:	yeah for my wisdom teeth
Do you work out at the gym on a regular basis?:	my mother wants us to start going to the gym. she seems to think she'll do fine on an elliptical for an hour. i beg to differ.
If you were given $1k to spend on ONE thing, what would it be?:	apartment. or fixin up the car.
What do you spend most of your money on?:	gas bills and food.
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?:	nope
How many pets do you own?:	none
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?:	29.
What type of Shampoo do you use?:	why were these interesting 5 years ago?
Have you ever had stitches?:	nope
Could you ever forgive a cheater?:	i did.
Do you have an iPod or MP3 player?:	i do but it dosent work
How many songs are on it?:	like 300
What is your birth control method of choice?:	personal, thank you very much.
Last reason you went to the ER?:	mom was sick
When was the last time you shaved your legs?:	hahaha last friday
What are your top five favorite stores to clothes shop?:	old navy, cw price, new york and company, thrift stores. thats it. and really, its just cw price and old navy. and really really, its just old navy.
Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend?:	they love him.
What color are your pillows?:	green and blue
What if an ex asked to be back in your life?:	already let him in.
If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left?:	i have a desktop.
What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?:	freak the fuck out. but then probably be ok with it.
Favorite thing to get at McDonalds?:	shamrock shake
If you could adopt 3 unique pets, what would you get?:	spider monkey, pygmy hippo, teacup pig
Where did you buy the shirt your wearing?:	old navy. everything im wearing is from old navy.
Have you ever smoked pot?:	yup
Do you use Hair tools such as, Curling Iron, Straightner, etc:	on occasion if im trying to look nice
Favorite acholic drink?:	midouri sour
Closest breathing thing near you?:	father.
What do you smell like?:	day care.
Was your first kiss with your true love amazing?:	it actually kind of was.
Don't you just love DVR?:	i do. or rather, i would if i had it.
Is your room clean?:	nope.
Do you tweeze or wax your eyebrows?:	tweeze like its my job.
What did you dress up for last Halloween?:	oct 31st.
Who do you subscribe to on YouTube?:	i havnet been on youtube in months. i have a job now.
t:	i hate when people did this at the end of the questions...
h:	...what, you couldnt come up with 8 more questions?
e:	what am i supposed to write here?
e:	why is it letter by letter? you could have had one blank "the end"
n:	instead i feel like i have to keep filling in the blanks.
d:	probably because in SAT prep they tell you to fill in everything even if its wrong. they drill that into you, you know.
::	oh come on.
):	fuck you.
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

I've had something on my mind the past few days. I talked to Mark about it a bit, because I felt I had to, but the truth is that he doesn't understand and I cant make him, because he wasn't there. And that's ok.
It occurred to me that my life now is what I want it to be...or at least very close. i feel like I'm forgetting my past sometimes, but maybe I'm just finally letting go of it. We keep these scars from our earlier days, but they need not define us.
I guess that's my whole thought.
Certain people, people that made up my existence...they don't define me anymore.
The other night I heard this song on the radio, and I was singing along. I mean, really belting it out.
And its probably the best I can do at finding words for my feelings.


"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"

As usual, I present my 2011 list of funny things people say. Its not very long, because, quite frankly, there's alot more happening in my life these days, and I don't have time to take note of every funny thing. The writer in me is hoping to have a resolution this year to pay more attention to these hilarious moments, but since new year's resolutions rarely take form, don't count on it. Alas, here we are:

While watching opening credits and seeing the name Andrew Garfield:
Me: Wasn’t he a president?
Mom: That was John Garfield.
Dad: No, it wasn’t.
Me: Oh, it was James Garfield.
Mom: John Garfield was the actor.
Me: No, Andrew Garfield is the actor.
Dad: “Just” Garfield is a cat.

Becca: I think I'm going to quit school and become a stripper instead.
Me: that's a valid lifestyle choice. and you would make more money. but you would also always have glitter in your eye.
Becca: Damn. I hate that...
Me: it’s in that way that stripping and teaching kindergarten are similar.
Becca: I could be a glitter free stripper. More men would go for that...less evidence to get rid of.
Me: i don’t know that those exist.
Becca: I'm a trendsetter.
Me: you would also always smell like cheap cologne and shame.

Matt: Cmon, we’re in mixed company.
Aaron: Brigid is not mixed company! She hears this stuff everyday.
Me: This is true.
Bryan: You might as well get a dick.
Matt: No, she already has balls, I don’t need her to have a dick, too!

Jake: I got to buy my girlfriend dinner today!
Bryan: What did you get her?
Jake: A cheeseburger.

Jen: Ok, see you later Mark…nice to meet you, Brigid.
Mark: Ok, bye guys.
Marissa: Mark, is Brigid your girlfriend?
Mark: Yes.
Marissa: What about Laura?
(Awkward silence.)
Mark: Ok, bye guys.

Bryan: Why can’t we do The Wiz with an all white cast? C’mon…ease on down that road!

Me: Oh, btw...speaking of felons and people we went to high school with...
Jaime: I love convos that start with these components.

Jaime: Remember when we were younger and used to hang out at bars on Saturday nights?
Me: Wait...it's a Saturday??

Me: Sorry, I’m a little angry today.
Jake: I hate when my pumpkin is angry…she turns into a scary Jack-O-Lantern!

Bryan: Hugs, not drugs!
Me: I’ll take the drugs.
Bryan: Sorry, I only have hugs.
Me: I’d rather have the drugs.
Bryan: Then I guess we’re done here.

Me: He said he’d be a fire sign, fair skinned, with blonde or red hair.
Tilke: Oh my god, Aaron!!
Me: He also said he’d be sweet, kind, and caring…so no, probably not Aaron.

Mom: Call Mark and have him come over and do the dishes.
Me: Yeah, I’ll just call him on his invisible phone.
Dad: And then he can just beam himself right over.

Sahar: This was the best food day in a very long time.

Mark: Someone stole the cigarette can! Damn you, Kaisertown!

Me: *hack cough hack*
Mark: Don’t worry, you’re cough isn’t the most annoying sound on the block…we’ve got a goat across the street!!

Sharon: At least you always have insurance.
Kevin: What?!
Sharon: You’re covered under the VNA.
Kevin: You mean I could have been going to the ER all this time?! Do you know how many things I didn’t do because I thought I didn’t have health insurance?!?!

Me: I would make a fantastic lunch lady.

Me: Oh, fu—
Tyler: FUDGECICLES, Miss Birgid! Say fudgecicles!

Greg: Today’s card game is brought to you by the letter 5.

Mark: I streaked, you streaked, we all streaked. Let’s drop it.

Marissa: I don’t like him. I wish a squirrel would bite his face off.
Mark: Wow.
Marissa: I think I’ll draw a picture of it.

Mark: Well, I am a Republican...
Brigid: ::glare::
Mark: ...please don't leave me.

Brigid: I don't know that I care to attend my reunion.
Mark: So just write them and say "I'm not really living up to your standards this year, try me again for the 20th."

Not seeing a shrink since June hasn't been a problem...until recently. Ive done well enough coping with things, and I can always talk to Mark.
Mostly.
He tells me I can talk to him about everything and has given me no reason not to believe so, yet I find myself missing Katie...who already knows everything, who can always ask the right questions, and who has all the bad days marked in her calendar.
I'm better. I know I am.
But the next couple months won't feel that way...it's bad memory season. And it's not like I don't try...I have left so much in the past, where it belongs. But not everything. Somethings I'm still working on.

Hm. Perhaps I'll write some poems.

I've found that sometimes in relationships, things get hectic and you don't stop to really think about what you have.

Today is my boyfriend's birthday.
Last night, while I was at rehearsal, Mark planned on taking a bus downtown, then out to Lancaster to hang out with Jen and Billy, and possibly go to a party at his friend Ryan's. Then, on the bus, he saw a girl that kind of looked like me. She was with her boyfriend, and they were being kind of lovey-dovey. So he called me, and left a message saying that he was going to spot on Chippewa (where we had our first-first date...as opposed to our second-first date at Kabab and Curry, 7 years later.) Over the course of the next hour he called twice more, to tell me that he was there, and he wanted me to meet him because why would he want to spend the night before his birthday with anyone other than me? He said he didn't need parties and drinking and all that...he'd rather get a cup of coffee with me.

So I met him there...on Chippewa on a Friday night, which is a place I would not choose to go if hell itself were the other option. But for him, ok. I had a tea and a cupcake, and we watched skaters and slutty girls walk by and talked. Then we walked to the car, and I stopped and kissed him in the first spot he kissed me back on our first-first. Then we got food and went home.

Now, his actual birthday isn't going very well...he wanted to see his kids, but it doesn't look like that's happening. But he said last night that he was having a great birthday, so hopefully that's enough.

Anyway, the point of this is that I hope I always recognize those little moments that make all the hectic, crazy stuff worth it.
He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

Do you have a partner?: yup
What is her/his name?: mark
How did you meet?: i said something about the dogkisser at spot and he laughed, and then we started talking and he asked for my #. that was in 2003. we "re-met" 7 years later, when he imed me and said he was bored, and i said i was bored, and he said wanna go to the marina, and i said yes.
When did you meet?: july 10 2003
Do you remember a song that was popular at the time you first met?: boys of summer-the ataris
Do you have a special song?: we dont have a particular song...lots of songs that remind us of each other tho
Do you have a special movie?: the other guys
What is the age gap between both of you?: 9 months
Do you like being older/younger?: Its not enough to make any difference.
Do you know his birth date?: 10/8/82
Do you know where he was born?: Detroit, MI
Is he a star sign that you are compatible with?: totally...apparently libras and geminis are one of the best matches.
Does he have annoying habits?: well he thinks clowns are cool, and that annoy the hell out of me
Have you told them about their annoying habit?: yeah
Does he snore?: he used to but not so much now...talks in his sleep sometimes
Do they hog the bed?: sometimes
Do you have similar interests?: many
Do you have similar tastes in music?: when it comes to older stuff, yeah, but he likes screamy stuff that i dont. otherwise its mostly similar.
Do you have kids?: no. but he does.
Do you know what your partner is doing now?: showering.
When did you last have a fight?: dont remember. we dont often fight....we "disagree."
When did you last kiss?: like 30 min ago
When did you last hug?: last night
What colour are their eyes?: Brown
What colour is their hair?: brown
What do you think their best asset is, physically?: eyes, and arms. even with the clown tattoo.
What is their worst asset, physically?: i dont think he has one...of course, i still think he looks like joshua jackson, so thats fine by me (i feel i should note that when i did this survey the first time, i put that he was too skinny!)
Do you know their favorite song?: he has many favorite songs
Do you know their favorite movie?: talledega nights
Do you know their favorite book?: roses are red
Do you get along with their parents?: ive yet to meet his mother...will probably not meet his father. i get along with his sisters tho
Do you know what really annoys them?: a few things
If yes, have you ever done it to annoy them?: probably
Do you know the name of their last partner?: laura
Do they ever talk about them?: often. but they have 4 kids so it would be weird if he didnt.
How do they feel about your last partner?: fine.
What is the best thing they have ever done for you?: helped me through the pain of quitting the theater
What is the best thing you have done for them?: helped him through the pain of being homeless
What is your favorite thing to do together?: swim, go for walks, hang out with friends, eat cheese
Where is your favorite place to go together?: swimming hole, random creeks and such, spot, chinese buffets, allegheny
If they are employed what do they do?: makes no-flat tires at rodgard
What is their favorite food?: lasagna
Do you have pet names?: babe, dear, love
What was it about them that made you fall for them?: If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. ~Michel de Montaigne

So as it turns out, my past hypothesis was correct. Having a boyfriend does not, in fact, make me hate Valentine's day less. I'm pretty pleased to find this to be true. I still want to get drunk, binge on sugar, and watch slasher movies.
Now, my boyfriend is out of town...so that makes me hate it more than usual. But still, if he were here, I'm pretty sure our evening would consist of eating at a moderately priced restaurant with fast service and watching a Will Ferrel movie on the couch. But since we also call that "Saturday," it's not like it would be a big deal. I would, of course, insist on a present of some kind. But that has more to do with me liking shiny things than anything else.
Alas, no, it's another wine-and-ice cream vday for me...but that's fine, as it's what I'm used to.

Of course, I will take a moment to send love and good vibes to all the non-sucky men in my life: Steve, David, Rob, Rick, Lillis, Matt, Nicki, Jim, Brad, Jake, John, Dennis, and Mike, I love you dearly and Happy Valentines Day.

And my Markus...IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.

How do people do this?

Ive never had a problem like this. Ive never had something that hurt so bad emotionally that it hurt physically that didn't come from someone dying or going to jail. I've never had anything hurt this way.
I always had a sort of aversion to relationships. Even in the beginning with Mark, I was so hesitant...he wanted to be a "couple" long before I did. Because it means opening yourself up and I don't like to do that with people I can't necessarily count on. Statistically, you're less likely to lose friends and family then you are significant others, and I didn't see the point in putting in the effort on someone who could disappear overnight.
But I did. Because I love him. Because part of me always loved him.
And the past two months have been hard...but I thought it was almost over. I thought he would be home soon. I felt it.
And now...now it's not going to happen.
He can't come home...his plans fell thru. The only hope is that he finds a job, saves up enough money to get a place to stay here, and then comes home and finds another job here. He wants me to come see him, and it kills me that I can't. Absolutely kills me.
And what am I supposed to do? He asked if this was too hard...and what difference does it make? Breaking up wouldn't change anything...he's not here as it is. And all I would do is miss him and want to be with him, which is exactly where I am right now.
I wish it wasn't 1am. I wish I could go to Sahar's and have her make me a cup of tea. I wish I could cry to my mom.
This sucks.
I don't like this. Not at all.

Since I've been recording the amusing things my friends say for several years, I like to post them at the end of the year in my blog.
I dont write them down as much anymore, but what I do write down, I usually find particularly funny.
Here's 2010:

Tom Lillis: so we’re going to go there, and you may or may not see him...and that's the entire plan? :P
Mysticmoon13 : that what I’ve got so far.

Tom: So the plan now is for me to stand here and drink a beer next to you.
Me: Yes.
Tom: Do you know what the definition of “plan” is?

Drew: B-money gonna stab a bitch.

Me: I’m not sad or unhappy, that’s just my face!!
Tom: Your autobiography: That’s Just My Face, the [my name here*] story.
*Had to omit name. It appears on search engines, and I dont particularly want future employers reading about what songs I like, people that piss me off, and how I miss my boyfriend.

Katy: So since she’s a dude now, I don’t think it counts.
Me, Rick, Tom: It counts.

Katy: I want some cake.
::Waiter appears with a silver platter of cakes::
Waiter: Cake?
Me: Only to you. This would happen only to you.

Me: Did you pick this Police song on the jukebox?
Katy: No, I picked something else you’ll appreciate.
Tom: OOH! Please let it be “Don’t Stand So Close to Me!”

John: My ears just heard you say that you were going to go make a whore out of that swan.

Me: What would Michael York do?

Peter: C’mon people! I’m missing ice dancing for this!!

Me: New rule, you are no longer allowed to sing Lady Gaga in rehearsals.
Drew: Awww…

Me: It smells like roses.
John: Because I just farted.

Me: You have a pirate notebook.
Matt: Yours says “Urp.”
Me: Well, Chris got it for me…
Matt: Yeah, mine too.

Me: Before I lock up, does everyone have their valuables?
Drew: Wait…ok, I’ve got my C3PO pez dispenser.

Mark: wht were we chattin bout?
Me: i said i smoked, and you asked me to marry you. then I laughed a lot.

Drew: Thanks, B-Money.
Me: I need a nickname for you. I start with “D”…but then all I think of is “bag.”

Conversation with my THEN ex boyfriend, who, on our second date, didn’t have enough money to take me to the art gallery.
Me: lol well lets just see how famous you get haha
Mark: wow way to check a mutha fucking bank account lol
Me: lmao well you know, a girl likes to be taken to the art gallery now and then...
Mark: wow
Mark: wow
Mark: nice

Me: What are you guys growing?
Marleen: Beans.
Wendy: Pot.

Mark: Hey I ain’t been trying to hit that in a minute.
Me: Like, literally a minute. You JUST asked me out.

Joe: I got my pimp clothes on.

Josh: Is your mom drunk?
Me: I think so.
Josh: Awesome! That’s when I like hanging out with her best!

Me: I just read that sign that said “Maintenance Vehicles Only” and I wanted to tell it that “YOU’RE a maintenance vehicle” but then I thought it was taking it all a little too far.

Mysticmoon13: whatever floats your boat.
Tom Lillis: I will consult with my boat on the floating situation and get back to you. :P

Me: And then he asked why I was being such a bitch.
Mark: Ohhhhh no. Nobody calls Brigid a bitch. You just don’t do that.

Mark: I got good at knowing when to get a girl pregnant, can’t u tell?
Me: Yeah, you’re a pro.

Mysticmoon13: well it is the only place i can get an irish banger. so thats a plus.
Jaime Stachowiak: I don't even want to know what an irish banger is
Mysticmoon13: its a sausage lol
Jaime Stachowiak: That doesn't make it sound less dirty

Drew: We have this thing, where I call her B-Money and she calls me D-Bag. Of course, as per your sexual harassment clause, no one else may call me D-Bag.

Jake: I could paint a mustache on my finger and hold it under my nose.
Lisa: But you already HAVE a mustache.

Me: Maybe you have Ando’s power, but for friendship…
Jaime: Yes, I am the obnoxiousator…

Mary: One plus two does not equal Megan!!

Jeff: Brigid, stop distracting me with your disgustingness.
Drew: Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.

(While cast discusses new undergarment discovery, the C-String.)
Me: I’m glad to see everyone has completely disregarded the sexual harassment clause.

Sahar: You should write an autobiography.
Me: I can never think of things when I write. It's not like when I talk to you and have 1500 stories about Kevin.
Sahar: And there's the title.

Mom: Well, it isn’t her fault that we’re not invited to her wedding.
Me: Um….that totally sounds like her fault.

Gram: There’s some snow on that chair.
Peg: Fake snow?
Gram: No, on the chair, I put it there yesterday.
Peg: Well…it melted.

Mel: What was wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys?
Tim: Oh, she cuts herself.

Jaime: Couple gifts? What are we going to do, get them a gift card to Pier 1? Steve doesn’t even know what that is!!

Jaime: That model looks like a popple! Oh my god, I had that popple! It turned into a soccer ball!

Me: Oh, you could just powerhouse that…
Steve: Yeah.
Me: What is it about a U-Haul that gets me talking like Todd?

Me: It does kind of look like the town from Derry…holy crap, is that Beverly Marsh’s house?!

Just in case you were wondering, I hate this. I absolutely hate this.

I keep wishing for some kind of miracle. Some sort of magic pot of gold leprechaun luck. Something, anything.

I’m doing real well keeping my cool; I’m doing real well going through the motions, keeping the smile on my face, letting it be what it is.

But I hate this. I hate this more than I’ve ever hated anything.

I just want him to come home.



...That's about all I can let myself express at the moment. Maybe more later.